I’ve sat here staring at this blank document for weeks. I genuinely don’t know where to begin or what all I even want to say, but I know that I need to share this part of my story in order to move forward. I’ve realized that sometimes we must embrace the most difficult moments of our lives in order to grow and move past it. Sometimes, we have to face our fears, tackling them head-on, so we can feel the pain and make room for light again.
I’m Getting Divorced.
I never thought I would say those words, but after months of avoiding the inevitable, putting those words down lifts the weight from not only my shoulders, but my heart, mind, and soul, too. I realize this isn’t a huge shock to many of the people in our lives. They’ve seen it slowly unravel throughout the year. However, writing the words “I’m getting divorced” down for the world to read makes it feel brand new to me.
I have spent far too much time trying to figure out the perfect way to write this post. I’ve realized that just like everything else in life, perfection should not be my goal. No. There’s nothing perfect about an ending. There’s nothing perfect about divorce, heartache, pain, guilt, and confusion. This has been a messy time in my life. If I try too hard to perfectly place the words, it would take away from the chaos that has lived in my heart over the last several months.
Happiness isn’t a ‘one size fits all’ kind of thing.
My entire life I have chased down this beautiful version of happiness that society has ingrained inside of me. I fell in love with the sweetest man when I was just 21 years old and I dreamt of our fairytale love story being one for the books. In my mind, our grandchildren would talk about our adventures around the world, the way we would still lock eyes across the room, and our sweet friendship that served as the foundation of our forever.
I filled my twenties obsessing over creating the reality that was supposed to equal authentic happiness. Marc-André and I kept checking everything off the list – graduating college, careers, building a brand new home, vacations, engagement, wedding, honeymoon, etc. We did everything by the book and created a reality sweeter than cotton candy, yet I was still longing for more. We had a perfect life and I felt empty.
The scary part is that I genuinely convinced myself that the only thing missing was a baby. The blessing is that I didn’t try to fix the problem by adding a child into the mix. Instead, I finally stopped ignoring my gut feelings and turned inward to listen.
Walking into the Unknown..
It took every ounce of courage within me to go against everything I knew and follow a brand new path. Walking away from the hopes, dreams, and plans that we had created together was more intense than the immediate loss of no longer having my best friend.
This journey, that led me to sign the divorce agreement the day before our three year anniversary, hasn’t been a pretty one. As amicable as we continue to be throughout the process, it just sucks all around. It’s been filled with crippling heartache, countless tears, and, at times, a paralyzing fear. I did what most Millennials do these days when they’re confused – I traveled. I set out on a two-month journey to the other side of the country where I was determined to check “soul searching” off my list and return to my happy little life in my perfect little story.
That trip reminded me that almost everything I try to plan out in my head plays out about as opposite as possible. I have laughed at the irony of my situation more times than I can count because crying so often became flat-out exhausting. On top of that, I have fallen to my knees, sobbing so hard in a hotel bathroom that I was completely convinced I’d get a noise complaint. I choked back the desire to scream simply so I wouldn’t have to answer the door and apologize for my quarter-life crisis coming to a peak in that corner room of my hotel. Like everything else leading up to that moment in my life, I could not predict the plot of my story.
I could make conscious decisions every single day to live with a certain kind of mindset, but beyond that, the Universe just poked holes in my delicate plan.
Closing This Chapter.
Coming home after avoiding my reality for far too long felt like ice water was being thrown in my face day after day. Nothing was the same, which is exactly what I hoped for, but it was in the worst ways. The whole “be careful what you wish for” quote was far too accurate for my new normal. Everything was broken beyond repair. As much as I loved the man I built this life with, I knew in my heart that our marriage was over.
Most days I’m still trying to keep my head above water as I navigate the waves of divorce and starting over at 30. I have moments of pure excitement for the future. Then I have moments of guilt that rip away my appetite. I have moments of heart-wrenching pain as I long for the past and “what could have been”. But more than anything, I am embracing this next chapter of my story. I have dug deep within myself to find the growth that was supposed to surface from this rollercoaster. And for that, I am so thankful.
I’m Getting Divorced, But My Story is Just Beginning.
Our love story is coming to an end, but I wish Marc-André the very best in his life. I am thankful for the sweet years that we were wrapped up in only ourselves. I will never regret our relationship or marriage. I’ll forever hold a little piece of him in my heart, and I’ll always carry love for the man that selflessly let me go instead of begging me to be someone I am not. After all, we all know it takes guts to walk away from a fairytale life, but it takes courage, that many don’t have, to not guilt the other one into staying for selfish reasons.
I’m getting divorced at 30, but my new story is just beginning. I’ll continue to pull from this experience to create content that is meaningful and relatable, but it will never define who I am as a person. I’ll always be an open book on my side of this journey, too. So, if you have questions, if you’re going through something similiar, or you simply want to share your story with me, I’m always here. Thank you for being patient with me as I settle into my new normal. I have a feeling the best is yet to come for all of us. Tous les jours de ma vie. 🖤
And 7 months after this post was written, I started over by purchasing my dream beachside home in New Smyrna Beach.